quinta-feira, 4 de julho de 2019

Fuck-up Assessment Form

quarta-feira, 20 de março de 2019

Dicionário corporativo


Sabe quando você pensa: “Alguém em algum lugar deve saber fazer essa merda direito”? Esse alguém é o benchmark.


Grupo de homens de cabelo branco, arrastados à força (física ou pecuniária) para reuniões sobre assuntos de que nada entendem ou com os quais não se importam.


Resumo. Tipo aquele fichamento que você nunca fez na escola? Então!


Lugar onde suas despesas ou seu orçamento não cabem, mas ninguém vai rever seus KPIs por isso (ver KPI).

Business Plan

Ente metafísico, a que se atribuem poderes sobrenaturais. Ninguém conhece seu verdadeiro teor.


Concorrente onde você realmente queria trabalhar.

CEO (Chief Executive Officer)

Aquele gringo que ainda não entendeu, afinal, o que é que a empresa faz ou do que realmente precisa.


Membro do Board que dorme (quando não baba e ronca) nas reuniões e ninguém fala nada (ver Board).


Sujeito cuja carreira de verdade fracassou e que se disfarça de competente para ganhar uns trocados com palpite na carreira, na vida e nos negócios dos outros.


1. Ex-executivo que continua mamando na empresa (tipo encostado mesmo) ou
2. Sujeito que mama na empresa na esperança de se tornar um executivo dela.

Core business

O que a empresa sabe fazer bem, até o Board (ver Board) decidir que não é isso e sair investindo em outra coisa (que possivelmente vai dar errado...)


Tecnologia de ponta empregada para comunicação e interação online, de forma a tornar mais eficiente o processo de fingir ensinar e fingir aprender.

Home office

Local povoado por crianças, faxineiras, jogos da Champions League, toque ininterrupto da campainha e do telefone e onde você pode trabalhar de pijamas.


Ideia do chefe. Sempre dele.

Insight brilhante

Ideia do CEO.

KPI (Key Performance Index)

Número obtido com Zoroastro, numa sessão de psicografia.

Margem Ebtida (Earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization)

Se abaixo de 5%, atualize seu CV.


Número total de chatos que você tem que aturar para, quem sabe um dia, subir na carreira ou não ficar desempregado.


Ato de suportar as reclamações dos clientes, respondendo-as com declarações vagas, de difícil compreensão e com promessas que sabe ser impossíveis de cumprir.


O ato de responder aquele email inútil do seu chefe, ou aquela proposta ridícula do RH, ou qualquer coisa do gênero.


O cara que segura o bife.


Aquele playboyzinho em formação, que acabou de chegar e se acha o CEO. Mande logo ele tirar uns xerox e te trazer um Big Mac prá saber o lugar dele na cadeia alimentar corporativa (ver CEO).

sexta-feira, 14 de setembro de 2018

What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?

What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?

DOS Airlines

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

OS/2 Airlines

The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
Once they finally finished you're offered a flight at reduced cost.  To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

Just like Windows NT Air, but costs more, uses even bigger planes, and the problem with exploding has mostly been solved. Instead, 15 minutes into the flight, the highly-automated flight-control equipment stops responding to commands from the cockpit, followed by an "uncontrolled descent into terrain".

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Unix Airlines

Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

Wings of OS/400

The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.

Mach Airlines

There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airlines

After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

VMS Airlines

The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

BeOS Air

You have to pay for the tickets, but they're half the price of Windows Air, and if you are an aircraft mechanic you can probably ride for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the airport and you are chauffeurred there in a limosine. BeOS Air only has limited types of planes that only only hold new luggage. All planes are single seaters and the model names all start with an "F" (F-14, F-15, F-16, F-18, etc.). The plane will fly you to your destination on autopilot in half the time of other Airways or you can fly the plane yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you'd want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS Air is and all they say is "What do you mean I can't bring all my old baggage with me?"

Linux Airlines

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
You can't board a Linux Airlines plane in the US, because all the airport terminal space is taken, 90% by Windows Air and 10% by Mac Airways. However, there are some small, private airports that will permit Linux Airlines planes to land and take off from their runways.

quinta-feira, 11 de maio de 2017

Roleta Russa por linha de comando

Claro, você também pode "melhorar"...

[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf --no-preserve-root / || echo *Click*

E alguém tentou contratar alguns desenvolvedores/ops/sysadmin usando o seguinte anúncio:

terça-feira, 18 de abril de 2017

POG - Programação Orientada a Gambiarras

A Programação Orientada a Gambiarras (POG ou WOP – Workaround-oriented programming) é um paradigma de programação de sistemas de software que integra-se perfeitamente a qualquer grande Paradigma de Programação atual.Por definição, Gambiarra é aquilo que é de difícil concepção, de inesperada execução para tornar fácil o uso de algo que sequer deveria existir.

A Programação Orientada a Gambiarras foi uma evolução natural do uso do Programa Bacalhau, também conhecido como ATND – “Artifício Técnico Não Documentado” ( na Química, também conhecido como MTEDM – “Manutenção Técnica com Elementos Disponíveis no Momento” e na Engenharia Civil como STCT – “Solução Técnica de Cunho Temporário”, nome pouco apropriado, uma vez que, todos sabemos, as soluções se tornam permanentes), dos anos 1960–1980, e vem de uma antiga expressão brasileira: “Para quem é, bacalhau basta” (época em que o peixe seco ainda era barato). Programadores e analistas mais preocupados em usar buzzwords costumam utilizar o termo workaround para impor respeito.

Princípios da Programação Orientada a Gambiarras:
  • Se funciona, então tá certo – Acoplado ou não, txt ou sql, mil funções ou 10, design patterns… Nada disso tem valor para o usuário, que só precisa de um software funcional. O termo “escalável” é falacioso.
  • My Way – Programador esperto, se é esperto mesmo é adepto do My Way. Se você está com dúvidas, faça do seu jeito pois se der merda é você quem vai se foder (e como).
  • Murphy ou Lei de Murphy ou Lady Murphy – Para lidar com Murphy e seu exército só com POG. Murphy é sagaz e ligeiro, tá só esperando você dar mole. Nada mais rápido do que uma gambiarrazinha pra acertar o que Murphy destrói.
  • Deixe o amanhã para amanhã – Muitos programadores atrasam projetos alegando que a demora de uma implementação para seguirem regras de design patterns ou comentários que ajudarão a outros entender melhor o código. Deixe o amanhã para o otário programador seguinte.
  • Comentários/Documentação são para amadores – Um desenvolvedor deve ser treinado para ser fluente na linguagem de programação usada sem precisar de comentários/documentação, independente da consequente ruína de sua vida social. Isso também é conhecido como sétimo sentido.
  • Eficiência primeiro – Evite escrever em várias linhas o que pode ser feito em uma.
  • Fé em Deus – A informática é levianamente definida como ciência exata, quando esta é na verdade uma ciência holística. Vários casos reais de divina Providência foram testemunhados em ambientes fiéis aos princípios ruins, assim o mal foi exorcizado, e a paz instalou-se graças a fé dos gambiarrizadores. Vale dizer que: há mais mistérios entre o teclado e o monitor do que julga a sua vã filosofia.
  • 1337 h4x0r5 dud3 lol – Quanto mais ilegível, mais respeitado o código é. Consequentemente menos alterado ele é, e mais estável o sistema fica, garantindo a empregabilidade do gambiarrizador.
  • A ocasião faz o ladrão – Em determinados momentos não conseguimos escapar dela.
  • Capacidade de Abstração – Este conceito se baseia em focar-se no problema e desconsiderar conceitos e dados deios para atingir o objetivo, ou seja, o Programador deve abstrair tudo que lhe faça perder tempo como regras de negócio desnecessárias ou tratamentos de erros.
  • Conclusão Hipotética Universal Técnica Explicativa (aka. C.H.U.T.E) – Quando nenhum dos outros conceitos se aplica, utiliza-se este até funcionar ou desistir.
  • Criatividade acima de tudo – Uma pessoa criativa não é aquela que consegue chegar a diversos lugares, mas sim, aquela que chega no mesmo lugar por diversas maneiras. Portanto, o POGer não é nada mais do que um programador criativo, que faz a mesma coisa que outros, adotando técnicas não convencionais.
  • Simplicidade acima de tudo – Se o programa funciona sem o tratamento de exceções e a verificação de campos preenchidos pelo usuário porque complicá-lo?
Gostaria de dar meus parabéns para você que se identificou com pelo menos uma dessas praticas citadas! Saiba que você é um adepto dessa incrível metodologia.

quinta-feira, 23 de março de 2017

How to appropriately use your SysAdmin’s time

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator’s valuable time

(In following examples, we will substitute the name “Ted” as the System Administrator)

  • Make sure to save all your MP3 files on your network drive. No sense in wasting valuable space on your local drive! Plus, Ted loves browsing through 100+ GB of music files while he backs up the servers.
  • Play with all the wires you can find. If you can’t find enough, open something up to expose them. After you have finished, and nothing works anymore, put it all back together and call Ted. Deny that you touched anything and that it was working perfectly only five minutes ago. Ted just loves a good mystery. For added effect you can keep looking over his shoulder and ask what each wire is for.
  • Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Ted likes to guess what the error message was.
  • When talking about your computer, use terms like “Thingy” and “Big Connector.”
  • If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.
  • When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It’s no problem for him to remember your password.
  • When you call Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted doesn’t have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.
  • When Ted sends you an email marked as “Highly Important” or “Action Required”, delete it at once. He’s probably just testing some new-fangled email software.
  • When Ted’s eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he’s always ready to think about fixing computers, especially yours.
  • When Ted’s at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don’t have email or a telephone.
  • Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
  • When the photocopier doesn’t work, call Ted. There’s electronics in it, so it should be right up his alley.
  • When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted. He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.
  • When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted’s chair the next morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. Ted just loves a good mystery.
  • When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn’t actually mean for you to DO anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.
  • When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother to sign up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.
  • When the printer won’t print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That should do the trick.
  • When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
  • Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.
  • Don’t read the operator’s manual. Manuals are for wussies.
  • If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.
  • When Ted’s fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he’s slightly dizzy from hunger.
  • When Ted asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It’s no one else’s business what you’ve got on your computer.
  • If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.
  • If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame Ted for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it’s not your fault there’s a half pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.
  • When you get the message saying “Are you sure?”, click the “Yes” button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
  • Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that boneheaded computer crap.” It never bothers Ted to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.
  • Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page Word document.
  • When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don’t bother to check if the printer has enough paper. That’s Ted’s job.
  • When Ted calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed 24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn’t bother to add more paper.
  • When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. Ted’s provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.
  • When you bump into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers, even when he’s at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.
  • If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for you when your son’s illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access database keel over and die.
  • When you bring Ted your own “no-name” brand PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing EverQuest. He’ll get on it right away, because everyone knows he doesn’t do anything all day except surf the Internet.
  • Don’t ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!